The Science Joke thread

[WestCoast]

Yes, I know a joke thread already exists in the pub, but some of this stuff is so nerdy it needs to be kept apart from other jokes otherwise the universe may well collapse into itself...

Physicists

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
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Absolute zero is cool.
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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
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A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
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A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."
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Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an emphirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it.
A week later, the math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive."
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A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal.
At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"
Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"
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A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.
Albert Einstein
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The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason." A long logical explanation follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
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A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow.
The mathematician suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of being too time consuming.
The engineer suggested placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of the water, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality.
"It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an asumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then blow it up to the actual size."
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A farmer has problems with his chickens: all of the sudden, they are all getting very sick. After trying all conventional means, he calls a physist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. The physist trys. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."
The renowned cosmogonist Professor Bignumska, lecturing on the future of the universe, had just stated that in about a billion years, according to her calculations, the earth would fall into the sun in a fiery death. In the back of the auditorium a tremulous voice piped up: "Excuse me, Professor, but h-h-how long did you say it would be?"
Professor Bignumska calmly replied, "About a billion years."
A sigh of relief was heard. "Whew! for a minute there, I thought you'd said million years."
A famous joke, as told by Douglas R. Hofstadter
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Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
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How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
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What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.
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Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love.
Albert Einstein
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Chemistry is physics without thought.
Mathematics is physics without purpose.
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A rocket explorer named Wright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He sat out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
The Pan Book of Limericks
A Simpleton's Guide to Science
Relativity: Family get-togethers at Christmas.
Gravity: Strength of a glass of beer.
Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall.
Black holes: What you get in black socks.
Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers.
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.
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Useful Metric Conversions for the mathematically challenged
1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
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Teachers' remarks that changed the history of physics
Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again in the bathroom.
Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world?
Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever.
Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky?
Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree?
Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential.
Ohm, must you resist Ampère's opinions on current events?
Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality.
Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider?
Schrödinger, stop abusing cats!
Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?
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After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
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Eight ways to use a barometer to find the height of a building:
Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building, measuring its height in barometer-units.
Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it hits the street. Correcting for the mass/surface ratio of the instrument, use basic acceleration equation to find the height.
Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing. Period of pendulum can be used to find distance from barometer's Center of Gravity to top of building.
Tie a long cable to the barometer and lower it from the top of the building to the ground, and then measure the length of the cable.
Take the barometer outside on a sunny day, measure its shadow and the buildings shadow.
Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure how far was it shifted by Corriolis force. The rest is trivial.
Sell the barometer. Purchase a tape measure long enough to measure the height of the building.
Find someone who knows how tall the building is, and trade him the barometer for the information.
See also 27 ways to use a barometer to find the height of a building
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
Physics Revisited
Gravity was discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbitting.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
The moon is more useful than the sun, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
Isn't it meaningless to speak of a 45 degrees angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or Celcius?
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

[nux]

Electrical Engineer vs Computer Engineer

--==================--
What do you get when you cross a banana with an elephant?
Elephant Banana sin theta

--=================--
What do you get if you cross a rat with a mountain climber?
Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar.

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Johnny went to get a drink,
but johnny drinks no more;
for what he thought was H2O,
was H2SO4

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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 (Bambino) when all of the sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again".

--=================--
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

--=================--
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight hile saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

--==============--
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


More to come

[tobes]

If you're not part of the solution you're part of the precipitate.

[Kiba]

[Goose1981]

New best thread ever! Keep em coming guys.. i'm in stitches..

[Tabris]

Q: What do you do with 56 dead protons?
A: Barium.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."

Q. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A. Because it's in the ground state. *boom tish*

[phextwin]

So there's this maths party and all the functions are there, polynomials, circulars, exponetials, logarithms, the whole crew (even those wacky hyperbolics!). And all are having a great time. Except for e^x. ln(x), being a good mate of e^x notices this, and comes over to comfort his freind. ln(x) dicovers that e^x feels outcast from the others as he is shy and not good at meeting new functions. ln(x) decides that all is needed is a bit of encouragement: "Come on buddy, integrate yourself!". "I can't, it's useless! "

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Why do computer architects get halloween and christmas confused?
Cos oct(31) equals dec(25).

[WestCoast]

Chemists

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
(This is, of course, a chemists joke. For pharmacists jokes click here.)
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A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".
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A Chemical is a Substance that:
An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.
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Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
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Little Willie was a chemist,
Little Willie is no more.
What he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
Little Johnny took a drink,
Now he shall drink no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
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Classification of Chemistry
Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe.
Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.
Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
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Organic chemistry is the study of carbon compounds,
biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that wriggle.
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Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. The pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
as an industrial solvent and coolant.
in nuclear power plants.
in the production of styrofoam.
as a fire retardant.
in many forms of cruel animal research.
in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and others throughout the world.
What quote did Decartes come up with in his organic chemistry class?
I think, therefore I amide.
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Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
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Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
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Rules of the lab
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
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Chemist's last words
And now the tasting test...
And now shake it a bit...
In which glass was my mineral water?
Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
And now the detonating gas problem.
This is a completely safe experimental setup.
Now you can take the protection window away...
Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
And now a cigarette...
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A physical chemist is a student who goes to university thinking he might want to be a physicist, but gets intimated by the math.
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Chemistry Revisited
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help to make water. So, sometimes it's brother against brother.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Activation Energy is the useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
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How chemists do it...
Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in equilibrium.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in an excited state.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it organically and inorganically.
Electrochemists do it with greater potential.
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.
Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
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You Might Be a Chemist if...
you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...
you don't drink water, you drink H2O.
you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.
you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak Hydrochloric acid spills happen.
you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.
instead of writing ozone you write O3.
you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.
you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.
you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.
you think a mole is a unit of amount, rather than a small furry animal in your lawn.
you pronounce unionized as "un-ion-ized", instead of "union-ized".
you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
you start explaining the condensation of water vapour every time your soda can has water drops and people think water is coming out of the can.

[DVD]

[WestCoast]

Engineers

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
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A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
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The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat.
Albert Einstein
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Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just one sentence, "THAW THE CHICKEN!"
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An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
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During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
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If it wasn't for Thomas Alva Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle.
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Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called rain.
Michael McClary
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An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.
The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.
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The great mathematician John Von Neumann was consulted by a group who was building a rocket ship to send into outer space. When he saw the incomplete structure, he asked, "Where did you get the plans for this ship?"
He was told, "We have our own staff of engineers."
He disdainfully replied: "Engineers! Why, I have complete sewn up the whole mathematical theory of rocketry. See my paper of 1952."
Well, the group consulted the 1952 paper, completely scrapped their 10 million dollar structure, and rebuilt the rocket exactly according to Von Neumann's plans. The minute they launched it, the entire structure blew up. They angrily called Von Neumann back and said: "We followed your instructions to the letter. Yet when we started it, it blew up! Why?"
Von Neumann replied, "Ah, yes; that is technically known as the blow-up problem - I treated that in my paper of 1954."
Raymod Smullyan, "What Is the Name of This Book?"
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An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"
"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."
The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.
One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.
Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingeniuos.
"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"
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The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright
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Doctors bury their mistakes, architects just plant ivy.
A shorter version of the same saying
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Lawyers hang their blunders, doctors bury theirs, architects plant vines and teachers send theirs into politics.
A longer version of the same saying
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Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You
There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
Always try to fix the hardware with software.
If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.
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A start-up engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
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After Receiving an Invitation to an Inventors' Ball:
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now must dash."
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Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks
I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You're sweeter than glucose.
We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.
You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
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Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day?"
Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it.
Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
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The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

Major Technological Breakthrough = Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research = It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits = We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying = It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured = We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination = We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties = We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period = We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried = We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem = We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive = The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned = The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties = We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete. = Half done.
We predict... = We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging. = Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable. = 100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems. = It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined. = Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention. = Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability. = Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements. = We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead. = The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year. = This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.
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Engineering Revisited
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
If you can't fix it -- document it.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

[brodsta]

I have a truly marvelous demonstration of humour, for which this post is too small to contain.

If it smells, it's Chemistry,
If it moves, it's Biology,
If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

[Goth]

Originally Posted by Tabris

Q. Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A. Because it's in the ground state. *boom tish*

I like. It's one of the only remotely funny ones here that i haven't seen before.

Of course, we could post every single xkcd comic in existance in this thread, but we'll stop such a practice, because it's easier to just look via the above link.

[toxxic]

Two engineers are having a chat and the conversation goes something like this:

Engineer 1: Hey guess what happened the other day, I was walking down the street and this woman with a bike threw herself at me, "take whatever you want"

Engineer 2: So what did you do?

Engineer 1: I took her bike.

Engineer 2: Good idea, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyways.

[tantalum]

I found this funny when I read it (It's clearly not mine):

[Dougal]

A Project Manager is floating around in his hot air balloon completely lost and running out of fuel, when he spies a group of engineers. So he lowers his Balloon and asks where he is.

The engineers have a quick discussion and answer. “You’re floating about 3 meters off the ground suspended under a hot air balloon.”

The Project manager say “Well isn’t that typical, you ask a bunch of engineers a question and get an answer that whilst technical is correct, is of no use at all. Now I’m stuck here, thanks a bunch”

The engineer’s respond “Well isn’t it typical that we have a project manager that has no idea where he is and no idea how to fix it, and now somehow it’s our fault!”