Scientific "Jokes"

[Cape_Horn]

Heisenburg is pulled over by the highway patrol for speeding.
The cop asks the question"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
He replies "No, but I know exactly where I am"

[[PnP]dredd]

Little Timmy took a drink,
But he will drink no more,
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

[.Radiant]

Courtesy of a friend who works too many graveyard shifts at a servo. He's got a ton more

[pele93]

Originally Posted by .Radiant

image
Courtesy of a friend who works too many graveyard shifts at a servo. He's got a ton more

I would love to see more of those

"How can you tell if someone would be a good astronomer?"
Spoiler below, highlight to read:
"They spend lots of time staring into space"

[ikonz0r]

sorry if this has been posted. Oldy but a goody


HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
>
> The following is an actual question given on a Louisiana State
> University chemistry mid-term.
>
> The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
> it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
> have the
> pleasure of enjoying it as well :
>
> *Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
> (absorbs heat)?
> *
> Most of the student s wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
> (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
> variant.
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
> need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
> at which
> they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
> to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
> many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that
> exist in the world today.
>
> Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
> religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
> religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
> project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
> we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
>
> Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
> Boyle's Law
> states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
> same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
> enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
> until all
> Hell breaks loose.
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
> Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
>
>
> So which is it?
>
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
> that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
> two must
> be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
> over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
> follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore,
> extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
> divine
> being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
>
> THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[pele93]

[JolyV]

What do you call the leader of a biology gang? The nucleus.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you probably should.

Why are frogs so happy? Because they can eat whatever bugs them!

How do you spot a bald eagle? Look for a bird with all its feathers combed over to one side.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

The pistol of a flower is its last line of defense against insects.

I’ve never been a good swimmer, my DNA almost drowned in its gene pool.

Mushrooms look like umbrellas because they grow in damp places.

[-inVaRed.]

Two scientists walked into a bar.

One scientist said, "I want some H2O."
The other scientist said, "I want some H2O too!"

The second one died.

[Redbaron111]

10char

[Thudd]

A computer scientist, an engineer, and a mechanic are in a car driving down a narrow winding mountain road, when all of a sudden the brakes fail. The car flies down the road, narrowly averting flying off the road until halfway down they manage to come to a shuddering halt on a small side track. They all get out, shaking and terrified at the wild ride they'd just had.

The mechanic looks at the brakes and says, "They're shot, let's walk down to that town at the bottom of the road, find a towtruck, then come back and get the car and tow it to a garage to fix it."

The engineer looks at the brakes and says, "You know, with some paperclips, duct tape, and a bit of fourbetwo I reckon I can rig something up so that the brakes work enough to get us the rest of the way down safely."

The computer scientist looks at the brakes and says, "Why don't we go back up to the top of the mountain and see if it does it again?"

[2xCPU]

What's the difference between Civil and Mechanical Engineers?

- Mechanical Engineers build weapons platforms.

- Civil Engineers build targets.

2.

[LINUX]

Hey baby, if I was a particle and you were a quantum potential would you let me penetrate your classically forbidden region?

[hlokk]

Dr Karl just got someone with the NaBrO joke...

[Danske]

Argon walks into a bar and the barman yells "GET THE HELL OF MY BAR!"...

Argon doesn't react.

Spoiler below, highlight to read:
Saw this on the Scientific Cat meme

[vOOdsy]

Alcohol and algebra don't mix...because you shouldn't drink and derrive