Entirely non-authentic Dahl (Lentil Curry)

After I posted my dahl Dogs™ in the food porn thread, I was urged to share the recipe. The hard part is the dahl, so here it is!
On rice, this stuff is cheap as shit, super healthy, and will last for ages in the fridge/freezer. On hot dogs with mustard, sour cream, cheese, diced onion and maybe sauerkraut it becomes heaven (also potentially vegetarian with the right hot dogs)
This is (very) loosely based on a recipe I found when I googled "dahl recipe" here.

Ingredients:

500g Red Lentils (Maharaja's Choice, in the indian section at the stupidmarket, comes in 1kg bags for like 4 bucks)
4 tins crushed tomatoes
2 onions
Some garlic (I used about 5 cloves, which turned out not to be enough)
Some ginger; about yay much *holds out fingers*
Beef stock powder; I usually use Campbells vegetable stock, but I'm too poor at the moment, so I just used what was in the cupboard.
Curry Paste; about 2 big spoonfuls
Tomato paste
Tamarind Purée

Spices: All of these are optional (you definitely need some spices, but just use whatever you have/like), and I don't have amounts because I honestly don't know how much of each one I used.

Coriander seeds/powder (lots)
Cumin seeds/powder (lots)
Turmeric (lots)
Paprika (some)
Black Pepper (lots)
Allspice (some)
Cayenne Pepper (lots, but this is hot so adjust to taste)
Nutmeg (some)
Cinnamon (one stick)
Cloves (about 5?)
Star Anise (I used one)
Mustard Seeds/powder (lots)
Curry Leaves (about 3)
Bay Leaves (I used 2 little ones)
Ghost Chillies, aka Bhut Jolokias (use whatever chillies you like, I just happened to have these) (I used 4, but it's your dahl, so do what you like)

Step one: Pose for camera. Forget to include lentils and half the spices.

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Remember the lentils later

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Step 1.1: Wash lentils. My old Indian housemate said to rinse until the water runs clear, but that seems like a lot of water, so just rinse until you're worried about your water bill (then rinse a little more).

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Step b: Chop onions, but forget to rotate image or use the focus on your potato

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Step III: Chop/mash/grate garlic and Ginger (I chopped this time, as it seems to be the least time consuming/messy way to do it). Remember to use a super sharp knife, so when you cut yourself you bleed profusely.

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Step 100: Add ginger, garlic, curry paste, tamarind paste, tomato paste and spices to a bowl, remembering to bash the shit out of the ones that aren't already a powder.

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That is, in fact, Curry Paste.
Here it is all together in the bowl.

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Step 5: Fry the shit out of the onions in some high temp oil like peanut or canola or whatever (I ran out of those, so I had to use EVOO #WhitePeopleProblems) until they smell all Indian and start to go a bit brown. Don't forget to include your creepy finger-toes in the photos.
Just added

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Done (kind of, almost, close enough)

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Step f: Open all windows, turn range up to full whack, gather all nearby portable fans and point them at the kitchen (trust me, this is necessary).

Step VII: Add spice/paste mix, stir in, stand back.

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Seriously, I'm pretty sure this is how they make mustard gas.

Step 1000: Once you have stopped coughing (assuming you're still alive) add the tomatoes and stock.

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Taste for seasoning.
Aim for over seasoning here, as the lentils are bland as hell and will absorb a lot of the flavour.

Step 9: Bring to the boil before adding the lentils. Forget to turn the flash off and marvel at the weird yellow sheen in the photo.

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Step A: Bring back to the boil, add some more water if you need it. Simmer on medium-low without a lid for about half as long as it takes to post the recipe to OCAU.

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Step f: Put a lid on, move to the smallest burner you have, put it on low and simmer for as long as you have (I'm aiming for about 1-2 hours but I'll let you know when it's done).

Step XII: Post the recipe to OCAU with terrible photos, marvel at how fantastic your house smells.

Edit: Step 1101: Realise you forgot the peas, run to the freezer, turn gas back on under dahl and stir peas in.

 

Update: Made Dahl Dogs™
Ingredients:
Dahl
Hot Dogs
Hot dog buns (cheap tip top ones)
Grated cheese
Mustard
Homemade Sauerkraut
Bacons

Step 1: Steam hot dogs and buns

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Step 2: Add cheese and mustard

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Step 3: Spoon hot Dahl over the top

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Step 4: Sprinkle over bacon and sauerkraut

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Step 5: Devour

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